What Kind of Vows Are Right for You?
By Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway
Wedding Goddess Wisdom
While you may have a certain reference or preconceived notion of what a wedding vow is meant to be, there are many different options for expressing your love and commitment in the form of vows and promises. You and your beloved should pick the kind of vows most suited to the two of you, taking into consideration:
• Whether or not you desire to write you own vows; and if you would truly enjoy writing them or would rather adapt vows from a book or someone elses writing.
• How comfortable you both are about speaking in front of friends and family or if you would rather “agree” to certain promises than speak them out loud.
• If you would prefer to read vows to one another or have your officiant support you in a repeat-after me fashion.
So many unique couples, so many vows:
Here are some of the different ways to include your personal vows in your ceremony. You and your beloved should have input and approval over what you decided to share, and how you decide to share it.
1. Question of intent vows. In every ceremony there is a question put forth by your officiant that gives you a chance to declare that you freely chose to marry the man standing beside you. It’s called the “question of intent.” If you two feel you do not want to speak much during the ceremony, because you are shy or because the thought of it makes you too nervous, you can have an extended “question of intent” that satisfies the legal requirement for a question (such as, “Do you Colleen take Art to be your husband”) and gives you a chance to agree to certain declarations. This would be asked by your officiant.
2. Repeat after-the-officiant individual vows. You can also have a set of vows said individually in addition to the question of intent (right after or before) or spoken as part of your ring vows (during the blessing and exchange of rings). These vows should be of a manageable length and “fed” to you in bite sizes so that you don’t have to memorize anything and so that they will be easy for you each to repeat.
3. Simultaneous vows. One way to do something different is to speak the same vow, simultaneously. This is like stereo vows -- you hear it consciously and subconsciously -- and it is really a nice touch to share your sentiments and promises to each other at the same time. It represents partnership and working in the spirit of harmony and cooperation.
4. Alternation line vows. If you have a lot to share with each other, it may be a little too unwieldy to do in repeat-after-the officiant style; and perhaps it is redundant to read the same long vow to one another. You can instead divvy up the lines and alternate reading to one another. This is a very creative way and somewhat theatrical way to share your vows. It’s very special.
5. Writing and reading your own vows. Of course, the time honored ways to share vows is to each write your own separate vows and read them to one another at the wedding altar. Some couples like to coordinate their vows and some choose to share them for the first time on the wedding day. Either way, it is always a beautiful touch when the Wedding Goddess and her mate share what they love about one another and what they promise to one another on this day. Some couples opt for completely unique vows and others choose to also add in some traditional sentiments.
6. Other ideas for vows: Be as creative as you would like! If you would rather select or adapt vows from poetry or a song, go for it. For example:
a. Tim and Patty, adapted favorite songs. Tim read the lines from Chicago’s “Inspiration” and Patty shared sentiments found in “From This Moment” by Shania Twain and had a guitarist and singer play it live immediately after she and Tim exchanged vows.
b. Maria and Michael used poetry . The bride was shy about speaking so Michael read Oriah Mountaindreamer’s stirring poem, “The Invitation.”
c. Steven and Deborah chose not to speak vows themselves and instead had their officiant read their favorite song, “My First, My Last, My Everything by Barry White.”
7. Speaking from the heart – and from the hip. Some brides and/
• Whether or not you desire to write you own vows; and if you would truly enjoy writing them or would rather adapt vows from a book or someone elses writing.
• How comfortable you both are about speaking in front of friends and family or if you would rather “agree” to certain promises than speak them out loud.
• If you would prefer to read vows to one another or have your officiant support you in a repeat-after me fashion.
So many unique couples, so many vows:
Here are some of the different ways to include your personal vows in your ceremony. You and your beloved should have input and approval over what you decided to share, and how you decide to share it.
1. Question of intent vows. In every ceremony there is a question put forth by your officiant that gives you a chance to declare that you freely chose to marry the man standing beside you. It’s called the “question of intent.” If you two feel you do not want to speak much during the ceremony, because you are shy or because the thought of it makes you too nervous, you can have an extended “question of intent” that satisfies the legal requirement for a question (such as, “Do you Colleen take Art to be your husband”) and gives you a chance to agree to certain declarations. This would be asked by your officiant.
2. Repeat after-the-officiant individual vows. You can also have a set of vows said individually in addition to the question of intent (right after or before) or spoken as part of your ring vows (during the blessing and exchange of rings). These vows should be of a manageable length and “fed” to you in bite sizes so that you don’t have to memorize anything and so that they will be easy for you each to repeat.
3. Simultaneous vows. One way to do something different is to speak the same vow, simultaneously. This is like stereo vows -- you hear it consciously and subconsciously -- and it is really a nice touch to share your sentiments and promises to each other at the same time. It represents partnership and working in the spirit of harmony and cooperation.
4. Alternation line vows. If you have a lot to share with each other, it may be a little too unwieldy to do in repeat-after-the officiant style; and perhaps it is redundant to read the same long vow to one another. You can instead divvy up the lines and alternate reading to one another. This is a very creative way and somewhat theatrical way to share your vows. It’s very special.
5. Writing and reading your own vows. Of course, the time honored ways to share vows is to each write your own separate vows and read them to one another at the wedding altar. Some couples like to coordinate their vows and some choose to share them for the first time on the wedding day. Either way, it is always a beautiful touch when the Wedding Goddess and her mate share what they love about one another and what they promise to one another on this day. Some couples opt for completely unique vows and others choose to also add in some traditional sentiments.
6. Other ideas for vows: Be as creative as you would like! If you would rather select or adapt vows from poetry or a song, go for it. For example:
a. Tim and Patty, adapted favorite songs. Tim read the lines from Chicago’s “Inspiration” and Patty shared sentiments found in “From This Moment” by Shania Twain and had a guitarist and singer play it live immediately after she and Tim exchanged vows.
b. Maria and Michael used poetry . The bride was shy about speaking so Michael read Oriah Mountaindreamer’s stirring poem, “The Invitation.”
c. Steven and Deborah chose not to speak vows themselves and instead had their officiant read their favorite song, “My First, My Last, My Everything by Barry White.”
7. Speaking from the heart – and from the hip. Some brides and/
© 2006, Reverend Laurie Sue Brockway
Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway is one of New York's leading interfaith and non-denominational wedding officiants. She creates unique ceremonies for couples of all backgrounds and faiths, and is also widely recognized as a bridal stress expert and columnist. She is author of WEDDING GODDESS: A Divine Guide To Transforming Wedding Stress into Wedding Bliss (Perigee Books, May 2005). Visit Rev. Laurie Sue Brockway at www.WeddingGoddess.com.
